Hollywood on The Potomac
by Janet Donovan
Comedy Central
The April 1st event in honor of the late Hunter S.
Thompson at The National Press Club was booked as a
comedy show. You could have fooled me. If it hadn't been for
Time Magazine's Matt Cooper and Roll Call's
Mary Ann Akers, it was no laughing matter. But
hey, applause for all who stood up in front of a press corp.
that already get their best lines from government officials.
Least you forget what that means, here's a refresher course.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president." "It's clearly a budget. It's
got a lot of numbers in it." "I love California, I
practically grew up in Phoenix." "It isn't pollution that's
harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and
water that are doing it." "I haven't committed a crime. What
I did was fail to comply with the law." "Outside of the
killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country." "I have orders to be awakened at any time in
the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet
meeting." "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to
death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." "Rarely
is the question asked: Is our children learning?" Well, you
get the picture.
MC Matt Cooper could give up his day job. Karl
Rove's note on the Pope: "I support my
condolences to Mrs. Pope." "It's fun covering Bush,"
said Cooper, "he's a man of determination and had this to
say about the hurricanes: I vow to get the scums who did
this."
The Nation's David Corn: "Armstrong
Williams, don't you worry. You're going to get a new TV
Show called Pimp My Policies." "Cheney 2008: The Dick
you know." "Bush doesn't have an exit strategy, but I do.
Good night."
Enter Mary Ann Akers. "I cover the 535 most boring
people." "I asked Joe Lieberman if he liked Hotel
Rwanda. He said, hell no, we stay at the Hilton." "I
asked Liddy Dole if she saw Deadwood. She said
yes, every night."
"I'm up here just dying", said Cooper, "but I guess I'm not
alone this week."
Fear & Loathing in the UK
Chuck and Cammi got married. So take that
Peggy Sue! No more shacking up for this bloody duo.
Now Cammi gets to inherit not only a royal title, but the
brunt of royal horse jokes previously reserved for now
sister-in-law Princess Anne. Clearly missing the
similarities, The Queen actually toasted the winner
of The Grand National steeplechase before doing the same for
the newlyweds. And the winner was Hedgehunter.
So, where was Hedgehunter when you needed him? There was
more grazing material planted on the heads of their guests
than what surrounded them in the fields. "I've seen crop
circles, but none as bad as Camilla's hat," remarked a local
commentator. "Most of the guests looked like floor lamps,"
quipped FOX's Bill McCuddy.
The jokes were brutal and endless. "They have bred
themselves within one chromosome of insanity," compliments
of a British TV host. "Why, it's a watered-down Greek
tragedy with scones," as columnist Karen Heller put
it.
So, here's my take. Let them R.I.P. and hope that no ones
else ever feels obliged to recite the most ridiculous
Scarlet Letter ever known since The Witches of
Eastwich.
"We acknowledge and bewail our manifold sins and wickedness,
which we, from time to time, most grievously have committed,
by thought, word and deed, against thy Divine Majesty,
provoking most justly thy wrath and indignation against us."
"We do earnestly repent and are utterly sorry for these
honest doings. The remembrance of them is grievous unto us.
The burden of them intolerable."
Parting thought: If they had been married in their youth
they'd probably be divorced by now. Oh my.
Well, gotta go now. My cat is bedding my hat. So, that's all
folks!
